


A Hobbit Bingo

by Small_Hobbit



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2019-11-13 08:16:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 3,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18028115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Small_Hobbit/pseuds/Small_Hobbit
Summary: Various, mostly Bilbo-centric, drabbles, ficlets and poems written for Dreamwidth's Back to Middle Earth's March bingo





	1. Sad

**Author's Note:**

> Titles will be prompt names

In his hobbit hole  
Bilbo mourned his fallen friends  
And shed a cold tear


	2. Frozen

Bilbo lay in his bed in the mountain and shivered.  He thought longingly of warm sunny days in the Shire, cooled only by a gentle breeze.  Sadly, instead of warming him, it only served to emphasise how cold he felt.

Suddenly the bed dipped, and his hands were grasped.

“You’re frozen, my hobbit,” Thorin muttered.

Thorin left again and then Bilbo felt a heavy fur cloak being placed on top of him, which was followed by a warm dwarf body pressed against him.

It was lovely, but Bilbo wondered how long it would be before he now felt too hot.


	3. Sky

Bilbo lay on his back on the warm grass and looked up at the sky.  A small fluffy white cloud was drifting across.  He watched as a second cloud came chasing after it.  He smiled, the clouds reminding him of Fili and Kili, rushing around, apparently aimlessly.  They were joined by a number of other clouds, jostling each other, just as the dwarves would amicably jostle amongst themselves.  And then finally, a dense black cloud appeared, causing Bilbo to jump up in a hurry.  It would be wise to get under cover before the Thorin of clouds rained on him. 


	4. The Last River (Rivers)

Bilbo stood on the bank of the wide river.  He had seen many rivers in his long life, but this wasn’t quite like any of them.  Although, looking at it more intently, it reminded him a little of the river the dwarves had ridden in their barrels.

As if on cue, he looked across to the far side of the river and saw Thorin waving to him.  And then Thorin was joined by Fili and Kili, followed by other members of the company, until Bilbo could see seven or eight dwarves on the far bank.

He longed to join them as well, but how was he to cross the river?

“Just step into it and come across,” Thorin’s voice said.

Cautiously, Bilbo stepped into the river, bracing himself for both the cold, and to withstand the current, for the river was fast-flowing.  To his surprise the water was pleasantly warm, the current was not pulling at his ankles, and as he walked further in, the water simply lapped gently against his thighs.

He headed towards the far bank and saw the dwarves coming towards him.  They met in the middle of the river and Thorin threw his arm around Bilbo’s shoulders.

“Master Hobbit,” he said, “You are with us once again.”

Together, the dwarves led Bilbo to their side of the river bank.


	5. Inspector Durin of the Yard (Police)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A Police AU set in the 1930s

[ _A voice announces: Inspector Durin Mysteries, Episode 1_ ]

“So, you’re telling me you found the body in the greenhouse this morning, when you came in with your students, and that you had no idea Mr Lickspittle was in here until you opened the door,” Inspector Durin said.

“That’s correct, Inspector.  I really don’t know why he’d gone in there at all,” Bilbo Baggins replied.

“Who was the last person in the greenhouse last night, as far as you know?”

“Um,” Bilbo hesitated.

“That was me,” another voice said.  “It was my turn to sweep up after we’d finished the class.”

Durin glared at the speaker, his nephew Fili.  “Either you didn’t do a very good job, or someone came in after you and deliberately spread earth around.”

“I might not have …” Fili tailed off, given his uncle’s expression.

“Mr Baggins, it would appear your pupils still have a lot to learn,” Durin said.  “Although it might mean we can get some reasonable prints.  I shall need to ask you some more questions, is there anywhere we can go to talk privately?”

Bilbo thought for a minute.  “I assume the potting shed is unavailable?”

“For the moment.”

“There’s a bench in the walled garden we could use.”

“Lead on,” Durin said.  Once they were sitting on the bench, he added, “Tell me about Lickspittle.”

“Alfrid Lickspittle did odd jobs around the place.  He couldn’t be trusted to do anything by himself, he was lazy, and we suspected he wasn’t above stealing money from people, but we hadn’t been able to prove anything.  But Bard, my head gardener, found he had his uses.”  Bilbo laughed.  “We sometimes used him as a scarecrow, leaving him sitting on a piece of ground which had been freshly sown before we’d had time to cover the seeds.”

“And you’ve no idea why he was found lying in your greenhouse with a pair of shears sticking out of his back?  It’s not possible Bard had got fed up with him?”

“If he had, I would suspect he’d have punched him, rather than ruin a perfectly good gardening implement.”

“And the tools were easy to get hold of?”

“They were supposed to be put away at the end of the day.”  Bilbo hesitated.  “I believe that was Kili’s job last night.”

Durin sighed.  “Yes, my sister was hoping taking this course might instil a bit more responsibility into my nephews.”  He was about to say something else when he spotted his sergeant approaching them.  “Sergeant Dwalin, what can we do for you?”

Dwalin held a plant pot out to Bilbo.  “I wonder, sir, if you could identify this?”

Bilbo looked at the plant.  “That’s not something I’m growing.  Those are cheap pots.  We use better quality ones, they last much better.”

“So you’re not growing cannabis in your greenhouse?”

“Certainly not!”  In his agitation Bilbo leapt up.

“Please, Mr Baggins, sit down again,” Durin said.  “I suspect this is the reason why Lickspittle was in the greenhouse.  I wonder who else knew about it.”

[ _End of episode music.  An announcer’s voice saying ‘Tune in next week for another thrilling instalment’_ ]


	6. Who Am I?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A riddle poem, answer under the ---

My first is in dwarf, but not in hobbit  
My second the reverse, it’s the one who could rob it  
My third is in acorn, but not in the tree  
My fourth is in Fili, Kili and Balin, all three  
My last is in Erebor and elves as well  
My whole is a creature which might make them all yell  
Bigger than Smaug and not quite a fish  
That it stays in the ocean is their heartfelt wish

 

 

______

 

Whale


	7. Inspector Durin Mysteries (Episode 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 1 can be found in Chapter 5

[ _A voice announces: Inspector Durin Mysteries, Episode 2 – The Man in the Navy Blue Jacket_ ]

As Inspector Durin walked away from the walled garden, he was assailed by his nephews.

“We’ve been thinking,” Fili began.

Durin sighed, “Well, I suppose there has to be a first time for everything.”

“Don’t be like that, Uncle Thorin,” Kili said.  “We’ve been really thinking hard.”

“And we think we saw a man in a navy blue jacket walking down the path to the greenhouse early yesterday evening.  Neither of us recognised him,” Fili added.

“I see,” Durin said.  “It’s quite possible someone else knows him though, so it will be worth asking.  If nothing else he might be able to help us.”

Fili and Kili led the way to the conservatory by the dining room, where Bilbo and his other students were gathering for lunch.

“I understand a man in a navy blue jacket was seen in the vicinity yesterday evening,” Durin said.  “Does anyone know who that might be?”

Most of the students shook their heads, and Bilbo said, “I’m certainly not aware of anyone other than my staff and the students being on the premises last night.”

One of the girls said, “I don’t know who he is, but I think I may have seen him before.”

“And you are?” Durin said.

“I’m Sigrid Bowman.”

“Related to the head gardener?” Durin asked.

“His elder daughter,” Bilbo explained.  “The Bowmans live in the dower cottage and Sigrid is currently one of my students.  I suppose it’s possible someone saw her brother Bain last night.”

“But Bain’s away at university at the moment,” Sigrid said.  “And the man I saw was more Dad’s height and build, Bain’s much skinnier.”

“That does sound like the man we saw,” Fili said.

“Hmm,” Durin said.  “I shall need to speak to each of you independently after lunch.”

“Ooh, to establish our alibis?” a red-haired girl asked.

“And to see if you can throw any more light on the events of yesterday evening,” Durin replied.

“It’s okay, Uncle, I was with Tauriel all evening, until, well, we went to bed,” Kili said.

Durin couldn’t see anything, but he sensed Bilbo rolling his eyes.

“And I was with Sigrid and walked her back to her cottage about half past nine,” Fili said.  “Her father was definitely there then because he called out when she opened the door.  I didn’t see her little sister though.”

“I think we can probably assume her sister had gone to bed,” Durin said.  Sigrid nodded.

The two other students promptly added they’d been with the group for the first part of the evening, and when Fili and Sigrid left they’d had a few games of ping pong before going to bed.

“And nobody saw anything out of the ordinary?” Durin asked.

The students all shook their heads.

Durin was about to say something else, when he saw Sergeant Dwalin and a man he suspected to be Bowman approaching.

Dwalin held out an object and said, “Look what Mr Bowman found in the bonfire he lit this morning.”

It was a navy blue jacket.

[ _End of episode music.  An announcer’s voice saying ‘Tune in next week for another thrilling instalment’_ ]


	8. Mahal (A Tanka)

Mahal’s creations  
The dwarves thank him for their strength  
And their proud spirit  
For those who die in battle   
Are in the halls of Aulë


	9. Egg Shells

It was early morning and Bilbo and Thorin were enjoying a walk round Bilbo’s garden, when Thorin suddenly bent down and picked up an egg shell.

“I know what this is,” Thorin said.  “It’s a robin’s egg.”

Bilbo looked at it and shook his head.  “No, that’s a song thrush egg.  Robins’ eggs are pale cream not blue.”

“Not like our robins’ eggs then?”

“Apparently not.  One more thing where it turns out we’re rather different.”

“And just when I thought I was getting the hang of things.”

“Yes,” Bilbo grinned.  “It’s almost as if there’s an ocean between us.”


	10. Enticing (Lake)

They stood side by side at the edge of the lake.

“It’s very beautiful,” Bilbo said.  “I do like the way it sparkles in the sunshine.  It does look rather enticing.”

“Try it out, if you like,” Thorin replied.  “It looks far too cold to me.”

“Coward!” 

Bilbo began to paddle into the water, then yelped, and ran back out. 

Thorin laughed at him.  “Colder than you thought?” he asked.

Bilbo glared at him.  “At least I went in.  You didn’t even dare to.”

“You were in and out before I’d even have had time to take my boots off.”


	11. Inspector Durin Mysteries (Episode 3)

[ _A voice announces: Inspector Durin Mysteries, Episode 3 – They Mysterious Stranger_ ]

Inspector Durin eyed the navy blue jacket.  “I assume it doesn’t belong to you,” he said to Bowman.

Sergeant Dwalin’s expression conveyed what both he and the head gardener thought of that comment.

Durin nodded.  “I had to ask.  What can you tell me about it, Dwalin?”

“Made in Jermyn Street and hardly worn.  Blood on one sleeve and the front, presumably why the jacket was discarded.”

“Which implies the wearer wasn’t expecting to be involved in an attack.  Do you think the tailor could identify who it was made for?”

“I’d say there was a reasonable chance.”

“Right.  Send Nori up to town to make enquiries.  Oh, I didn’t ask what size it was?”

“It would fit Mr Bowman, if he were the sort to wear hand-made jackets; too long for Mr Baggins.”

“So ties in with the mysterious stranger Miss Bowman mentioned.”

“What, Sigrid?” Bowman said in alarm.

“It’s nothing for you to worry about,” Durin replied.  “Your daughter thinks she may have seen someone in a similar jacket.  What I need to do, when they’ve finished eating, is ask her when she saw him.”

While he waited for lunch to be finished, Durin walked slowly round the property.  Having inherited the old manor house, Bilbo Baggins had realised it would enable him to run horticulture courses the way he wanted them run, rather than as an afterthought of more mainstream agricultural courses.  With the help of the head gardener, Bowman, and the assistance of many of the villagers, whose ancestors had worked in the manor house, he was building up quite a reputation.

That reputation would take a significant blow if the police failed to solve Lickspittle’s death quickly.  Durin wondered why that seemed to matter to him, and decided it would be unfair, after all the hard work Bilbo had put into building up his courses if he were to lose it.  Durin had seen his nephews when they had come home for the weekend, and they had been very enthusiastic about what they were learning, with their conversation full of “Mr Baggins says …”

Durin satisfied himself with the route the stranger had probably chosen; one designed to minimise the chance of being seen.  There was a side gate, which was probably used by some of the villagers when they came to work, and which it would be easy for anyone to slip in through without being noticed in the evening.

He walked back to the dining room and met Sigrid as she was coming out.  “Would you accompany me for a minute, Miss Bowman?” he asked.  “Alone,” he added, as Fili made to go with them.

“Of course,” Sigrid replied.

He led her back towards the side gate.  “Did you see the stranger about here?” he asked.

Sigrid looked around.  “Yes, I think it must have been.”

“And can you remember when it was you saw him?”

Sigrid thought.  “I think I saw him twice.  Once last Monday, and then again either Wednesday or Thursday.  It rained one evening, so it can’t have been that one, but I can’t remember which day that was.  Dad would know when it rained though.”

“Thank you,” Durin said. 

He was about to say something more, when Sigrid bent down and picked up a flower head.  “That’s strange,” she said.  “I don’t recognise that flower at all.”

[ _End of episode music.  An announcer’s voice saying ‘Tune in next week for another thrilling instalment’_ ]


	12. Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Movie!verse and an AU, because I refused to let my final entry be a sad one.
> 
> (Inspector Durin Mysteries will continue)

It was gold sickness  
Caused his heart to turn to ice  
Entombed by the gold

It was Azog whose  
Cruel blow made his limbs like ice  
Even towards death

The hobbit’s words  
Helped reach his heart  
And a hand held out  
Wrought warmth to his limbs  
Starting the healing


	13. Bingo Card




	14. Inspector Durin Mysteries (Episode 4)

[ _A voice announces: Inspector Durin Mysteries, Episode 4 – The Blue Flower_ ]

Inspector Durin snorted as he looked at the flower head in Sigrid Bowman’s hand.  “It looks just like a forget-me-not to me.”

“It’s similar, I agree, but it’s not the same,” Sigrid replied.  “Can I show it to Mr Baggins?”

“I suppose so,” Durin agreed.

They walked back to the house together, and Sigrid showed Bilbo the flower.

“Oh my,” Bilbo said.  “Now that’s interesting.  Yes, I have seen one before, let me think where.” He gave Durin a puzzled expression.  “Of course, now I remember.  It was growing in the Temperate House in Kew Gardens.  How very strange.”

“So they’re not local?” Durin asked.

“Oh, dear me, no.  I can’t quite remember where they come from, somewhere in Eastern Europe, I think.  I could look it up for you if you liked.”

“That won’t be necessary.  Since it was found where we believe our stranger was seen it would seem plausible if it had been brought by him, maybe in the turnup of his trousers.  And that would mean we’re looking for a visitor to Kew Gardens, so someone with a definite interest in flowers.”

“Well, yes, I suppose so.”

“You don’t seem sure?”

“No, well, I mean, I totally agree in all likelihood the flower came from Kew Gardens.  I’m just not sure about the casual visitor.  It would be much more likely to be someone who works there and therefore happened to brush against the plant.  A visitor shouldn’t be that close.”

“A gardener then.”

“Far be it from me to tell you how to do your job, Inspector, but a gardener would be wearing overalls.  The gardeners at Kew are issued with them, of course.  Which means …”

Durin nodded.  “If it was a gardener, he would have removed his overalls before coming here, which would mean no flower head.  So we’re talking about what, an administrator?”

“More likely one of the teaching and research staff.  There are some very well-known figures at Kew.  Well-known in horticultural circles, not to the general public.”

“Why would someone like that be having dealings with Lickspittle?”

“I don’t know.  Oh, unless …”

“Yes, Mr Baggins?”

“One of my hobbies is growing lobelias.  I’ve been rather successful in producing different shades of blue, which have proved quite popular.  This year I’m hoping for another new shade.  Now, I’m rather proud of my little plants, so I’ve taken to padlocking the propagator they’re in.  Not that I thought anyone would steal them, but it would be so easy for one of the students to accidentally open the propagator and forget to close it.  Um, you do understand.”

“Perfectly, my nephews would be prime suspects.  Carry on!”

“The other day it looked as if someone had tried to force one of the padlocks.  Which was very strange.  Fili and Kili might be a little careless, but they’d never do anything like that.”

Durin looked thoughtful.  “You think someone was deliberately trying to get at your plants?”

“Well, that did seem to be the only solution.  But why would anyone do that?”

“Why indeed.”

Durin was prevented from saying any more by the arrival of Sergeant Dwalin.  “Nori’s phoned.  They know who the jacket was made for,” he said.

[ _End of episode music.  An announcer’s voice saying ‘Tune in next week for the final thrilling instalment’_ ]


	15. Inspector Durin Mysteries (Episode 5)

[ _A voice announces: Inspector Durin Mysteries, Episode 5 – Denouement]_

Inspector Durin walked outside, beckoning Bilbo to follow.  As soon as they were away from the students, Durin asked, “Who did Nori say the jacket was made for?”

“A Professor Smaug,” Sergeant Dwalin replied.  “Apparently he’s one of the bigwigs at Kew Gardens.”

“Oh!” Bilbo said.  He sat down on the low wall.

Durin gave him a concerned look.  “You know this Professor Smaug?”

“Well, yes.  He wrote to me a few weeks ago and made an offer for my lobelia plants.  It was very generous, but I replied declining it.  Obviously, the money would have been nice, the upkeep of this place isn’t cheap, but I really wanted the satisfaction of being the first one to see my plants flower.”

“Forgive my ignorance, but would these plants really be valuable?” Durin asked.

“Have you heard of Dutch tulip mania in the 1630s?”

“Yes.”

“Obviously it’s nowhere near that level of money, but I’m reasonably sure my blooms will be a real sapphire in colour, and if that’s the case then I shall be able to sell them and replace all my greenhouses in one go.”

“And if they aren’t?”

Bilbo smiled, rather charmingly Durin felt.  “I shall carry on trying, and only replace one greenhouse this year.”

Durin turned to Dwalin.  “What instructions did you give Nori?”

“I told him to return to the Yard and await your orders.”

“Good,” Durin nodded.  “I shall go and phone the Yard.  If you wouldn’t mind waiting for a few minutes, Mr Baggins, I shall be back.”

Durin found the telephone and put a call through to Scotland Yard.  He spoke to Constable Bofur and asked him to go with Nori and bring Professor Smaug in for questioning.  He then returned to find Bilbo looking perplexed.

“I still don’t understand why, Professor Smaug, if he was indeed the one responsible, should kill Alfrid.  That doesn’t make any sense to me,” Bilbo said.

“I can think of various reasons why he might have done so, but it would be good to have a better idea before I come to interview him.  I’d like to have another look at the greenhouse now that my officers have finished in there.  Perhaps you would accompany me, you may notice if anything else is out of place.”

“Of course.”  Bilbo looked a little nervous, and Durin hurriedly reassured him that nothing unpleasant had been left.

They entered the greenhouse and Durin said, “Could you walk round and tell me if you notice anything.”

Bilbo did as requested.  He stopped when he came to some wooden planks which had been pulled away from under one of the shelves.  “I presume this was where you found the cannabis?”

“Yes.  We’ve taken the plants away.  I’m surprised you weren’t aware of them.”

“Alfrid used to keep some of his belongings under here, so I wouldn’t have been interested.”  Bilbo thought for a moment.  “I wonder where he moved his things to?”

Bilbo looked around, then said, “Inspector, could you reach up to that top shelf, the one just under the roof?  I’m too short, but you should be able to check it.”

Durin stretched up and felt along the shelf, until his fingers touched what felt like some paper.  He pulled it down and discovered a letter, which he opened and read with a smile, which grew broader the further he looked down the page.  “A letter from Smaug to Lickspittle,” he said, “telling him to get the plants and arranging to collect them yesterday evening.  ‘I will pay you for both sets at the same time, after which you will not contact me again’.”

“Both my lobelias and the cannabis!” Bilbo exclaimed.

“It would seem so.  I presume there was an argument and Smaug seized the nearest suitable weapon to silence Lickspittle.  This should tie up the case quite nicely.”

“I’m glad,” Bilbo said.  “Although I’m rather sorry I won’t be able to show you round the rest of the property.”

“Maybe I could come back when I’m not so pre-occupied,” Durin replied.  “And take you out for dinner?”

“Thank you.  I shall look forward to it.”

[ _End of episode music.  An announcer’s voice saying ‘Thank you for listening to the Inspector Durin Mysteries’_ ]


End file.
